14,600 give or take a day....

Things that are 40.....

NPR
Starbucks
Masterpiece Theatre
Bumbershoot: Seattle's Music & Arts Festival
Amtrack
Disney World
and me....this is my list so far.

I am in really distinguished company. This new decade feels less like the end of the road and more like the beginning of the ride. If I hold up as half as well as my counterparts the next 40 are going to rock!

Of course at my birthday party as I was telling everyone I was excited to start a new decade my friends were like, "you are going to love your 30's". I was like I did all 10 of them....shock and awe stared back at me in their nubile faces and as long as that is the response I will wave my 40 freak flag high!!If you think you're timeless you are TIMELESS and moisturizer twice a day doesn't hurt either!!!

Viva la living!!!

Going to the Chapel!

Is it me or are the number of wedding pictures on Facebook blowing up!!! 'Tis the season I guess for people to wear funny traditional clothing, stand up before the deity of their choice with friends and family and say I dig this human and only this human so help me god, forever and ever amen.

As for me I'm NOT a fan. Marriage is like a stogy old aunt that reeks of Bengay and mothballs. She serves no practical purpose because no one likes her ambrosia salad and really her inclusion in family functions is just a formality of etiquette to keep your kids from being called bastards.

As a "gay" & a bastard I wouldn't want to get married if I could. Sure I'd throw a big party and say, "you see that lady, she's with me." But I am not about to clamp a ring on her finger and sign a deed to her heart that makes the county a few bucks and some venue a bundle of my money for dried out chicken and watered down gin.

That being said, I am OVAH THE MOON thrilled to be the Maid of Honor in my best friends wedding. The MOH gets to do all the fun stuff and as she sends to bride off to her shackles she kicks up her heels and finds her way to the bar with some frisky female, at least that's the plan. Plus I don't even have to wear some god awful dress. The bridesmaids get to pick want they want within a color scheme!! Yee freaking haw!! So much better than some bright pink body bag with a bow!

Like I said some people are the marrying kind, and I wish them all the bliss they can handle even though the chips are stacked against them statistically. This silly monkey likes her autonomy way too much and needs room to shake her jelly at will when she wants and where she wants.

I live under a simple rule of thumb, if you wanna go, GO! if you wanna stay, STAY! Don't be in a marriage with me because a piece of paper and the hassle of divorce keeps you trapped by my side...ugh. Really, be a grown up, it's not 1857, keeping your word is good enough for me. God & the government might need more, but I don't.

Mabberfrabbits!

James Lipton will ask me someday what is my favorite curse word and it will be, "mabberfrabbits!"

As a child Bugs Bunny ruled my imagination and as I got older I realized that "mabberfrabbits" was the way Yosemite Sam said, "motherf*cker" to 8 year olds.

And that's one to grow on folks!
(insert stuttering pig here)

Rocking Nuptial Fairies!

As I sat in the Kips Bay Movie complex I thought to myself, "never again, just like the holocaust." I will never again GO to the movies. People are awful, seriously awful with their outside voices and rude self serving attitudes. Finding a seat has become as brutal as the Tet Offensive and frankly if arms were allowed I say thin the herd. Most of these patrons need a good bayonet to the rib cage to school them in the fine art of courtesy and decorum, that clearly they lacked learning on the playground. Coupled with the ads for bed bug prevention everywhere makes for an evening of being annoyed by the seen and unseen.


However, Bridesmaids was totally worth running the gauntly of chattering strangers & the impending threat of being infested with the urban hitch-hikers that have all New Yorkers questioning to sit or not to sit. This movie is literally a scream. As in I screamed with laughter as Kristen Wiig and company made their way to the alter. It was clear when and where Mr. Apatow inserted his "gross" out scenes and they served their purpose to insight laughter & quiet communal prayers of, “please dear lord don’t ever let that happen to me,” ultimately they really only dumb down the smart, witty women parading across the screen, but I guess we have to give the boys something to snicker at…


2nd only to the God of Thunder the Maids pulled in $24.5 million dollars this weekend!! Woo-Hoo!! Hopefully Hollywood will continue to green light female driven comedies because they are not only bright, smart, insightful and break the mold but they also make money!! Of course saying this I already know that there will be a scurry to put unfunny, female driven comedies into the market place as quickly as possible. May their failure not bog down the comedy cream that will surely rise to the top. Keep it coming Kristen & Annie!!

Street Spirits!

As I walked my four legged daughter across the street to the corner of 1st Ave & 55th on her evening constitutional I saw what looked like Meryl Streep in Cherry Jones' Sister Aloysius Beauvier costume from Doubt. She had a walker, you know the kind with wheels & seat for an emergency respite, she was pushing it slowly ahead of her as she emerged from the Tudor style apartment building.

I turned away to see what Kayla was rooting around in as a rouse to avoid eye contact with a nun. Twelve years of Catholic School has left its scars in places I try not to think about. When I turned back hoping that the frail black bonneted figure had past there she was staring me in the face.

"What a beautiful dog. What’s his name? “Her name is Kayla.” “That’s an Alaskan name isn’t it? I came across it the other day while reading.” “Yes,” I said, “Originally it probably was Alaskan.” “Did you name her?” “Yes,” which was a lie, my sister did, but here I am lying to a “nun” in less than two minutes of meeting her, some things don’t change!

“Is it ok to pet her?" She rolled back her dark cloak to reveal a pale white hand trellised with veins. "Sure of course," I said, Kayla now sniffing at the woman with great interest. "How old is he?" "She's 10 and a very good girl." As she looked into my face I noticed that her skin wasn't wrinkled, or marred with age spots. Her kind eyes set deep within her skull made me think she might have been sick with the cancer yet her eyes sparkled in defiance.

"My, my 10 years old really, well you can tell she is well loved and taken care of," I giggled with agreement thinking only about the previously lie and wondered what other amazing BS would come out of my mouth. "That's all any of us need really, to be loved." My first instinct was to say, "I hope you have received your fair share." Only I thought that was too cheeky a response for my mysterious friend and defaulted to just, "Oh, she is indeed well loved."

We smiled at each other and she said, "Well thank you," and I replied "Thank you too sweetheart, have a nice night."

I turned took 3 or 4 steps and then wanted one last glimpse of my clearly eccentric & possibly cleric neighbor only she wasn't there.....

We were in the middle of the block and with her walker there is NO way she could have made it to the corner and disappeared in those brief moments that it took for me to move a few feet.

So my fellow New Yorkers, this is number two in my spiritual encounters on the streets of Manhattan. The first being a kindly old man in a fedora and trench coat who thanked me for being a good citizen because I was picking up Kayla’s poop. He too like a spring breeze brushed my mortal coil and then poof was gone like the wind!