IN UTERO

Once a year I think about being a fetus.

Since I was born of someone I have never met, or at least been properly introduced. For 9 months I was inside a woman, I assume, since I have a belly button we can safely say I wasn’t hatched, she carried me around and then one day in February pushed me kicking and screaming into the world. I then went into foster care until my adoption was finalized. The only information I have about her is that she was 16, came from an affluent family in Philadelphia, and named me Cheryl.

I haven’t seen JUNO yet, and I think it’s on purpose. I have a feeling I will probably transfer a lot of my own personal history onto Ms. Ellen Page. In fact from what I have seen in previews she seems to fit the exact idea of who I thought my birth mother would be. Impossibly smart for her age, hilariously quick witted, not unlike myself. Clear headed enough to know that she had so much life to live before even considering keeping the baby and that in the end was doing the right thing in giving it up to a deserving couple.

Abandonment is a funny thing. Logically I get it, but somewhere in my DNA, or subconscious etc…I can’t let go of the fact that I wasn’t good enough to keep. It’s beyond my control, she did it for me so I could have a better life, I know that, but the fantasy of what my life might have been haunts my fertile imagination. It used to be a way of escaping my childhood at times. Suddenly I could be the lost heir to some vast empire if I got grounded for riding my bike in the street. That someday my REAL family would rescue me and this time they would never leave. Funny how you hold onto those self coping images that speckle the past.

I was lucky enough to get my family, a lot of kids don’t. I can play what if until my brain freezes, but again what’s past is past. I do wonder if she, my birth mother, if still alive thinks about me on my birthday? Does she feel a pang of something missing? Maybe she’s misplaced her keys or lost a glove. Thinks to herself, “What am I forgetting?” Then in a quite moment it comes to her. Oh, yeah I had a baby today.

I guess I will never know the truth. Adoptions are closed in South Carolina. We would both have to register with Catholic Charities in order to find each other and then only if we both consented would we be given contact information. After my mom died I thought about it. But then it just seemed silly. What would it prove? I think the idea came to me because being a motherless daughter is a very hard lifestyle. The adjustment is unending and frankly I don’t think one ever “grows” out of it. That loneliness made me want to seek her out. However, if I trade reality for my fantasy then I’ll have my answer. Then what? I’m not willing to take the risk. Her not fitting into my life suddenly becomes the problem. Which begs the question, if she’s not JUNO, then who’s not worthy now?

I will probably see the movie at some point when it comes on cable, I’m sure I’ll cry and laugh and vice versa. Every impending birthday has this moment and will surface again and again at least for me. Wherever she is, whoever she is, alive or dead, she got me to the door. It’s up to me to continue my walk through it and find out what waits for me, to make better choices and know that every second is a chance to turn it all around.

Thanks Moms…thank you both.