Dear Santa,

I know it's early but I know exactly what I want for Christmas already. I'd like the United States of America to get behind the National Endowment for the Arts and place permentally a National Theatre for the people.

We are the only major power NOT to have such a forum for the dramatic arts and its a pity considering what they are doing across the pond.

For example, the National Theatre in London will premiere a new play by David Hare entitled The Power of Yes: A dramatist seeks to understand the financial crisis.

According to press materials, on "15 September 2008, capitalism came to a grinding halt. As sub-prime mortgages and toxic securities continued to dominate the headlines, the National Theatre asked Hare to write an urgent and immediate work to be staged this autumn that sought to find out what had happened, and why.

"After meeting with many of the key players from the financial world, he has created this work, which is described as 'not so much a play as a jaw-dropping account of how, as the banks went bust, capitalism was replaced by a socialism that bailed out the rich alone.'"

Imagine that, a play commissioned by the state to help explain the mess that they've gotten us into...fantastic. Rocco Landesman if your reading, get on it!!

Oh and PS - The Kennedy Center doesn't count!!!

bare - a "new" rock musical

Here's how the work is billed: "Tackling themes of teen sexuality, religious angst, and unrelenting social and family pressure…bare explores the realities facing many of today's teens. With a ceaseless and haunting rock and pop score, this contemporary musical pulses with energy and heartache as it tells the tale of five students at a co-ed Catholic boarding school facing the turmoil of their teenage years. Forced to confront coming of age, coming out, and coming to terms with expectations of parents, peers and the Church, they question where they are in their lives and what the future holds as they struggle to find their own voices."

Also known as Spring Awakening....come on really people????
Scheiss!!

NUDITY

On screen nudity whether it be movies or television has never been something that “peaks” my interest. Usually it’s shot poorly and pulls me out of the story telling. The old James Bond films were teaming with sex but you never saw anything which left your imagination to wonder into all sorts of dirty little places laced with bad double entendres.

However, on stage nudity is something completely different. I enjoy the unbelievable strength and courage it takes to bare all in front of an audience. The Full Monty is a wonderful example, my friend who went with me to the show remarked, “I never thought I’d see you cheering for penises.” I wasn’t cheering for the penis, I was cheering for the beauty of those silly “real” men taking off their kits and even though obscured by the main title blaze stood in their all together in front of me unashamed.

Which brings me to last nights unveiling...A group of us went the Drag Queen Bingo and one of the games included a dare, if you got bingo you had to go back stage and come out only wearing this leopard scarf which was of a largish nature. For completing your assignment you would get 3 beer tickets and a special prize. The hosts warned if you yell bingo and come up here you have to do it. No backing out. So we all played with great trepidation. Wouldn’t you know it, I got Bingo. I turned quietly to Ned and said, “you wanna do it?” He looked at me as if I was insane and shook his head no. Luckily a few moments later a dainty man shot up with a BINGO!!!

He was a svelte, attractive man with a high gay sensibility, I’m not here to out anyone, but my gay-dar did beep. He grabbed the scarf and ran back stage in the interim we played a quick four corner game of Bingo and then it was time. Our bingo dare winner emerged from behind the curtain with the scarf wrapped beautifully around his head like a Norma Desmond turban. He was muscular and ripped with an endowment befitting a man of a greater stature, MUCH greater stature.

Proudly he stood smiling and enjoying the cheering crowd. Megan tried to take a picture and her 65yr old mother was like, “he’s not really naked???” We were at the bar and the crowd had thronged around to get a better look blocking the Florida seniors view. Ned was up on his chair with his mouth open. Megan turned to me and said, “What would it take for you to do that?” I said, “Your body.” I’d be naked at the drop of a hat let alone for 3 beer tickets if I was drawn like you.

This morning I was thinking about what Dr. Oz said on Oprah one afternoon. That the male penis is evolving past size ratios. In fact the size of the male penis today is abnormal due to the fact that women through natural selection are gravitating towards larger men. Gay men exacerbate this phenomenon though have no impact on the species. Therefore, technically our winner is a freak of nature, however I'm sure his choice of partners are NOT complaining. Just another night in New York ya’ll!!!

The Final Stritch!

There's no question that I adore theatre legend Elaine Stritch. Every year I send her birthday (Feb 2nd) emails to her website, when I'm really down and out I listen to "At Liberty" because her voice makes me feel centered and calm. (I'm not saying I can explain it, it's odd and upsetting to most I know, but I love it). She makes me laugh no matter how many times I hear the same stories over and over....especially her relationship with Ethel Merman, god that's comedy gold!!

Last night was opening night at the Paper Mill Playhouse for The Full Monty in which the divine Mz. Stritch plays Jeanette. Luckily I have dear and talented friends in the cast which scored me an invite and let me just tell you Stritchy was in rare form! After her big number, she just couldn't resist to do an unrehearsed encore to the surprise of the cast and orchestra! She IS showbiz!!! Amazing.

She may drop a line or flub a lyric, but the dames got hutspa and would never let on that she's scared to death.

The cast has put together a list of "Stritch-isms" for example, "Christ did I get Stritch-slapped today or what?" Or my favorite is that after 4 weeks of working with Elaine the entire cast now has Stritchmarks. These jibs come from a place of sheer terror and total admiration. People don't have careers like hers anymore. She's worked with the best that the entertainment community had or will ever have. She lives through the daily battle of sobriety and can still find the wit in a tired old dick joke. When she rewrote some of her lines in The Full Monty Mr. McNally said, "thank you." I mean come on!!! What else is he gonna say....hahaha!

It was a joy to watch her live and a memory I will treasure. I am officially one degree from Noël Coward and I couldn't be happier. Thank you Stritchy!! Long may you rave!!! xoxox

ps-Elaine also hates all doors & locks, apparently in her twilight she has become extremely afraid of being locked in somewhere. So my friends Michele & Susan keep walking in on her on the can. Priceless.

Beat & Incomplete....

These past few months have really taken a toll. I’m just tired all the time, working too much, playing too little. Bailing on friends because I can’t muster up the jelly to bring my A game to functions or something more pressing has come up like recovering from a wedding or funeral. Finally I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. My last event is a luncheon on Thursday afternoon. Our Music Visionary Luncheon honoring Barry Weiss who has had his hands on the careers of everyone from Britney Spears, Usher, Backstreet Boys, Justin Timberlake, 'N Sync to T-Pain.

JT will be attending and I believe performing but you didn't hear that from me because it's on the DL. It will be a great afternoon and I'm sure I will have some tea to spill following but it's been a long road to get here. Trying to keep the details of three major events correct has broken more than a few synapses. More importantly it has reminded me that this is NOT who I am and that this summer is for me. Time for me to reconnect with comedy, exercise and a love life if I can find one in this city of 8 million lonely hearts; right now I'd settle for some jokes and some crunches.

A long time ago someone said, "This too shall pass," let's hope so.....I need to get back to the good stuff.

D-List Me!

So I just copied the continuity for tomorrow nights event….this is my favorite part.

8:07 – 8:12 p.m. KATHY GRIFFIN
[Kathy Griffin to insert own remarks.]

Foolish mortals…..
a) she’s soooo doing more than 5 mins especially since Jimmy Fallon is getting 15 and Alec Baldwin 10.

and

b) you’re giving her a blank check? My gay bones are all a twitter with the impending glee for irreverent self absorbed behavior!!

Hats off to you NBC you brave dead last in the ratings network. Viva la Kathy! Let the fur fly and the celebrities whimper.

And on a personal note if Tina Fey shows up I will die and/or smother her with kisses, perchance both!

Sometimes my day job doesn’t suck.

Job vs. Job

After last night's impromptu ceiling flood, now known as the old woman and the sea, I started to reflect on why my life has over the last several years resembled that of the Old Testaments sage and all around sad sack Job. Two years ago I incurred the wrath of the baby leg which led to me leaving the gym, having surgery, and thusly regaining all the weight I had previously lost. Not to mention now injuring the “good” leg with the same symptoms associated with Plantar Fasciitis and Achilles Tendonitis. It’s been a litany of one thing or another in this ongoing crap fest known as the life of Brandy Rowell. Ailments, accidents, financial miscalculations, dumb mistakes, falls, missing whatever boat to paradise island by just fractions has resulted in my moody, negative demeanor that is uncharacteristic of my former warrior self who was on the path to the best me ever.

So why is the question? Why me lord? Why is this shit storm of unending pain and disappointment a vortex I can not extricate myself from? Haven’t I already been through enough loss? How much shit do I have to deal with before I catch a break? Then I realized the answer, I am not doing what I am supposed to be doing with my life and god aka the universe is punishing me. When everything seemed to be moving in the right direction I was working out, doing shows, going to play writing workshops, see shows etc, etc, etc….Since my injury I have done little or nothing about my true calling, slumping through life, working a dead end job that really while paying the bills (barely) is slowly killing my soul. Don’t get me wrong I love the people I work with but my college educated, extremely witty self is becoming rage in a cage.

I NEEDED to do comedy so badly a few weeks ago that at a meeting with senior staff I started popping off one liners out loud! Thank god the VP thinks I’m hilarious and we have great camaraderie but if it had been anyone else my sassy ass could have wound up in HR with my walking papers. While commiserating & bitching to a dear friend she asked me, "are you an assistant?" Forgetfully I said, "yes". She said, "no you're a comedian remember?"

Most of my obstacles I have built myself, excuses that keep myself down and out of the game. Well I am at the end of my rope. Standing there last night covered in murky brown water trying not to electrocute myself I realized that being an adult is hard but being afraid of your potential is a crime. The job needs to work its way into the career I wanted to pursue when I moved to the city. Not some means to an end student loan paying 9 to 5. Let’s be happy again. Let’s believe again (thank you Wall-E), let’s put on our Sunday clothes cuz we’re feeling down, but not out!! Let’s mean it this time.

Neglect....

I can't believe it's already June!! I have been neglecting my blog, friends, pet, baby leg, and other health issues because my life had been so busy at work that all I do everyday is.....walk the dog, go to work, walk the dog, sleep.

One would need energy to achieve other happy things like playing with friends or doing errands. These luxuries will have to wait until July because until the campaign closes on June 30th my life, blood, sweat & tears belong to the Jews.

I dream of standing up in front of a semi-sober crowd and telling jokes. I did used to do that right?