Snacks.....

Today I realized where my phrase, "I like that snack," comes from. The phrase also works in the reverse as in, "I don't like that snack at all". I wish this was a happier blog but there in lies the truth of reality in the tiny unexpected joy of a vending machine in the hospital where my mother died. I spent a lot of time wandering the halls, feeling helpless, looking for comfort.

Ending up in the empty cafeteria, gated shut with only a duo of vending machines available for nourishment I realized that a "snack" can and is anything. In the stillness of the waiting, and wandering I found comfort in B14 or C11 even D13 would do in a pinch. There weren't enough calories in the world to save her, or me. Medication comes in all forms and depends on the patient. IV, pills or in the pre-bagged snack so solace can be found. One rule we who have lost the people we love understand is that when the pain moves beyond your understanding you will reach for anything or anyone, looking for relief.

It's been 15 years and I am a different person. Surviving this circle of Dante's hell isn't written anywhere. Which makes me think he left it out on purpose. We are who we are through example and rearing. I am very proud to be the daughter of Mariea & Doyle Rowell, even with all my imperfections and short comings at my core I know that I am a good person. If I had a wish it would be for more time, more love, more fights, more laughter, more truth, but all I really have is more pain.

I have tried, but I can't let them go. I don't want to. My memory fades, I can't remember their voices or some of the stories that made us a family. Frankly I'm scared, scared that what makes me me might not be around much longer. Yelling at giant Jesus doesn't help, but it can't hurt. He's been in the family longer and has probably heard it all so my bitching and moaning probably doesn't put him off so much.

What I need is meaning. Something we all search for, if I find it things might turn around. If not, well then we'll just have to wait and see. D13 aka Cheetos will just have to see us through another day.

Broken Promises.....

At the last minute I got a call from Broadway. Well not Broadway really but my amazing friend Vinnie called to invite to me see Promises, Promises an hour or so before the curtain. I stripped outta my fat pants and my DVR induced Top Chef Masters Coma and got dressed, skipped across town to the Broadway Theatre and got ready to lose myself in the muzak of Burt Bacharach.

The first act is highlighted only by some athletic choreography, and beautifully accurate period costumes. Sean Hayes isn’t the best singer and pulls out some “Jack” to reel the audience onto his side. Kristin Chenoweth is fine. Yup, I said it, she’s just fine. The songs aren’t great for her; in fact I have learned something about myself. I hate Bacharach, no really, the music is disjointed and lyrically a mess. One number, “Young Pretty Girl Like You” makes no sense at all, I guess it’s a comment on the “blind eye” we turn on our actual reality and just “smile” through it. But isn’t that why Fran/Kristin tries to kill herself in the first place?? Pass the valium and put mommy to bed.

However, I am glad we stayed through the intermission, the top of the second act I could have watched a dozen times. You might ask yourself, Brandy why? What makes Act II something to shout about? Katie Finneran as Marge MacDougall is what I am ecstatic about!!!

She saves the whole production on the wings of her owl stole. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, character actors are the kings & queens of any show. She won a Tony in 2002 for her performance in Noises Off as Brooke Ashton. She might just get nominated again, her drunken display of Christmas Eve lechery is one for all time. She got the biggest laughs and nearly a standing ovation upon her exit from “The Apartment”. A tour de force in a 2 scene bit roll, I’m smitten with this kitten and she has raised the bar on the barfly ideal!

See it if you must, but my revival money is on La Cage Aux Folles!! Whose new TV commercial is a hoot!! Kelsey Grammer ends it with, “and you should see me dance!” Makes me giggle everytime.

Suddenly Seeking Zaftig

Hell must be freezing over this was in the breakdowns.....

Large Actress (35-65)
Performer
Description: Seeking a large actress (250 pounds or more) for a major supporting role in a play reading, possible contract after. Performer should be comfortable using a southern (Texas) accent, and should be able to sing.

Of course it's for a student project at Columbia, but at least it's a start.

5a.m.

Waking up choking is no fun, especially at 5a.m. My mind has been turning for days now and sleep is at a premium so losing out on two hours before my alarm is how I started this day. Kayla groggy and confused was like, "where are we going? is it time to poop?" Rubbing her tummy for a few moments sent her back to snoring. If only it was that easy for me.

I tried going back to sleep but couldn't so my mind went into creative mode. I wrote 3 new jokes out loud in front of no one. I'm a genius. Seriously, if I could have everyone over around 5:30a.m. to listen to my ramblings unfiltered and raw I wouldn't be sitting in this cube right now.

Tonight, we'll see if they be as funny at 7p.m. as they were at the crack of ass this morning. Of course I'll be exhausted but hey that's showbiz....

420 As Defined by Wikipedia

420, 4:20 or 4/20 (pronounced four-twenty) refers to consumption of cannabis and, by extension, a way to identify oneself with cannabis subculture.

The term originated from a group of teenagers at San Rafael High School in San Rafael, California, United States in 1971. The teens would meet after school at 4:20 p.m. to smoke marijuana at the Louis Pasteur statue.

According to an April 2009 article on the The Huffington Post, the group called itself the Waldos because its members hung out by a wall after school. Writer Ryan Grim, citing interviews with anonymous Waldos, claims that the group met by the statue at 4:20 p.m. to begin a search for a crop of abandoned cannabis growing near Point Reyes that they had heard about. They never found the stash, Grim writes, but smoked plenty of marijuana while looking for it.

My personal stance is that marijuana should be legal, taxed and not vilified in anyway. Alcohol does more damage to your body than smoking weed, but they have had a stronger lobby since prohibition was reversed!!!

It might not happen today or tomorrow or by the next 420 but someday soon America will be the land of the free. Someday....until then enjoy this hilarious and accurate view on natures little green gift.

Take two Meryl's and call me in the morning....

One of my favorite remedies to the soul sucking repetition of life is to watch and rewatch the 2004 AFI Life Achievement Award: A Tribute to Meryl Streep. If you haven't seen it I suggest checking it out. I have an old VHS taping of it when it aired on Trio….is that channel even out there anymore??

It ignites my joy and reminds me that everyone starts somewhere. Everyone wears glasses and is insecure about one thing or another, but in the end you can become Meryl Streep. Not actually Meryl Streep but the idea of her, to capture exactly who you are in a moment, to refine yourself and become more than the sum of your parts. Better, smarter, faster and all for less than a million dollars. It also proves that greatness, on occasion, can come forth from New Jersey.

One of my life markers to "know" when I was famous enough was to be drawn by the late great Al Hirschfeld. Well, Albert held on as long as he could, nearly 100 years to ribbon my image across the pages of the New York Times; however we lost the master of line in 2003. Now in his stead I have figured out that making Meryl Streep laugh will be marker enough, perhaps over a bottle of wine as I reenact meeting her for the first time in the basement of the Powerhouse Theatre at Vassar.

Who can say when or where it will happen, but it will and then I will know what it's like to touch greatness without raising a finger.

These are two of favorite moments from the special...

Federal & State Taxes

Suck.

Gay in Straight Sets!!

I did registration for an event this afternoon. A pretty easy function about 200 or so people attended. I got to see one of my favorite TV voices of all time Mary Carillo of HBO Real Sports. She's a retired tennis player who usually covers the Grand Slam Series and has been a staple covering other major sporting events.

She dresses like a sporty rockstar with an over the shoulder bag I coveted & so would Vinnie. ;-) She was rocking these awesome brown leather boots and "suede" pants. White open collar shirt with a sassy blazer with a crest.

Ok, so I know on wikipedia it says she was married for 15yrs but hello late in life lesbian. I always thought she was, until someone said no she was married...we duh you can be gay and married. Maybe I'm wrong but my gaydar was buzzing like an old gym teacher at Ruby Fruits. To each his/her own....but I just don't buy it.

A Lady Always Knows When To Leave...

Yesterday, in my mind's eye, I saw four women standing on a veranda in white, gauzy dresses and straw-colored hats. They were having a conversation. And it was hot. Their hankies tucked in cleavages where eternal trickles of perspiration run from the female breastbone to exotic vacation spots that southern men often dream about. They were sweet-smelling, coy, cunning, voluptuous, voracious, delicious, pernicious, vexing and sexing... these earth sister/rebel mothers... these arousers and carousers. And I was filled with a longing to join them. But like a whim of Scarlett's, they turned suddenly and went inside, shutting me out with a bolt of a latch. And I was left only to pick up an abandoned handkerchief and savor the perfumed shadows of these women... these southern women. This Suzanne. This Julia. This Mary Jo and Charlene.

Rest in Peace my lovely Ms. Dixie Carter, you gave this southern belle a lot of laughter!! Long live Julia Sugarbaker on TV Land, WE & beyond!

Happiness is....

getting paid to write.
getting laughs on stage.
loving beyond reason.
giving that little extra just because.
smiling at puppies.
old movies on demand.
Kayla cuddles before starting the day.
finding things that were lost.
remembering my joy.
hours that are wee.
three legged dogs.
holding tight to friends.
visits to far away places.
receiving drunk voice mails.
watching Kayla play.
believing that my dreams will happen.

Note to self: Repeat 1 - 16 everyday.