Friday, June 29, 2007

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

Another year over….well another Jewish year, our annual Campaign comes to an end as of midnight June 30, 2007. I can honestly say that I am exhausted. However, we finished $3 million ahead of what we raised last year and that is quite a feat for any not for profit in these financially in climate times.

As much as I bitch and moan about having to even have a day job while I try and figure out how to be a self employed stand up comic my gig with the Jews isn’t so bad. I get all the holidays off, never get attitude when I am out sick, and moreover am part of a community that I never would have thought would see me as an upstanding member.

On Monday July 2, 2007 the kosher caterer that caters all of our events treats us to an amazing party as a thank you for using them throughout the year. Everything under the sun you can think of, from Kosher Pigs in a blanket to Sushi for days, an open bar, dancing till the sun goes down, this faux Jew is in heaven once a year. I relish all past parties and look forward to the one ahead. Shabbat Shalom Everyone!!! To Life!!!

And now a nap…zzzzzzzzz

Monday, June 18, 2007

Time Heels all Wounds...

Time is a cruel mistress, not only does she rage across our bodies in a death march, she also takes her sweet time in mending our boo-boos. One February 22, I had foot reconstruction surgery, apparently working out like a woman possessed can be a bad thing.

The operation went fine and the drugs were great, and for almost four weeks straight I was in my magic tree house convalescing. I got care packages and get well cards which made me feel secure and loved in a time of vulnerability. Many of you came to see me, bringing me food and hugs, at least I think ya’ll were there, I was high on Oxycontin most of the time so I could have just been talking to myself.

My plan was to stay at home for the four weeks and catch up on my stories and watch all the extras on the Lord of the Rings DVD’s, which as I found out can be dangerous while on Oxycontin, because you start thinking your studio apartment is in the Shire. That was 3 months ago.

Today is June 18th; I spent two hours this morning in physical therapy. Fabian, my therapist who has a ponytail and is of some Asian decent, told me frankly that he would hurt me and he does 3 times a week. If I live through this my dream is to one day be able to workout and finally attain a body to be proud of, if Fabian has his way I will. Albeit broken spiritual as his hands rain down a fire that can only be described as Apocalyptic! I physically try to get away from him and have to fight the urge to kick him in the face. My therapy resembles something I saw once on Law & Order: SUV. Only unlike the poor hooker, I get to live….for now. My pain threshold has always been high. My body and I have been through a lot of accidents, sickness, even near death, but honestly I would go through that all again before I go through another ambulatory ailment.

My message is simple. Take care of your feet. They legs they are attached too and the back they support. As New Yorkers we pound the crap out them every day on the streets, in the gym, on the subway stairs, you need them more than you know. Because when they stop bouncing back you stop moving….period. The next time you think of passing on a pedicure because it’s just a luxury. Think again and treat your two best friends that go everywhere with you with a little love. Might I suggest Waitress Red nothing feels better than a sassy toe and they deserve it!

Thursday, June 14, 2007

The Pirate Queen

Recently my day job has given me the opportunity to see some free theatre. I am never one to turn down free tickets to anything so off I went with my friend Jake to see, The Pirate Queen last night. Now, I was excited about seeing it, even when I heard the first murmurs of it coming to Broadway I was thrilled to have a female heavy show that featured corsets and swords. Plus, Stephanie Block has a voice from the angels and if she can be Liza in Boy from Oz then surely she can swagger around the sea as a pirate. Wide eyed and optimistic the show opens with what visually could be considered a fart. A chorus boy with a pan flute wandering the decks of a ship only to be followed by Grace (the pirate queen) and Tiernan her childhood friend turned lover inaudibly scamper around the stage. When suddenly, nothing happens, really they think they hear something and it’s nothing….this is the show in a nut shell.

Jake and I sat there in wonder at what actually made it into the show. Sing song exposition that didn’t expound on anything or of little importance or was so garbled I couldn’t understand what they were saying. The audience is waiting for the first fight sequence and when it finally gets on board, we watch the chorus boys run around the stage in no particular order waving their swords. I know, I know it sounds like a night out at Splash, but little swashbuckling buckled under the giant mast of The Pirate Queen which (also is the name of the ship) the O’Malley Clan roams in the sea aboard. Needless to say Grace wants to be a pirate and her father won’t let her so she sneaks aboard the ship, performs an act of heroism and gets her father to let her stay. Tiernan and her make a love pact only to be torn apart when the O’Malley’s decided to join forces with the O'Flaherty’s to fight the English which means Grace has to forgo her love for Tiernan and marry the villain son of Mr. O'Flaherty. Ho hum seen it before, don’t care because no one in the cast seems to either.

Nothing happens for about 30minutes when Grace’s father is wounded in a battle we don’t get to see, and she walks back across Ireland to see him before he dies. This makes no sense because why doesn’t she just sail there??? Why is The Pirate Queen walking anywhere and why does it take so long??? Watching a cast walk across stage for the length of a song is boring and then it snows, does it snow in Ireland??? I’m confused. Well, Daddy dies Grace leaves her philandering husband, becomes chieftain, & gets back with Tiernan. Daddy’s funeral ends the first act with the traditional burial of setting the boat adrift and the body on fire. Only when the “body” and boat get shoved down stage with oars it looks like a Pork Roast that needs basting. I laughed out loud at a moment that should have made me sad….NOT even close.

During intermission Jake and I tore the show apart and put it back together as if we had been the ones welding millions of dollars around a story no one cares about. Astoundingly the people around us could not stop gushing about how much they loved it…I checked to make sure they didn’t have down syndrome or some other affliction but no, they just seemed to be from Jersey.

The lights go down and Grace and her fat Irish friend come up out of the floor (a device that I have left out until now, but trust me it’s no big whoop, everything in the show either comes out of the hole or goes into the hole, kind of like Paris in jail) Grace is giving birth to a baby and or her tubby friend is giving her a PAP smear we can’t tell because they go back down into the hole so fast. But sure enough she’s having a baby and it’s a boy…we know this because the crew is now peering down into the hole (creepy) and at Sound Q 37 – babying crying…one of the sailors yells, “it’s a boy.” Grace sings a beautiful lullaby to her new baby and just when the audience is serene BANG, BANG, BANG cannons are going off and people in the audience are screaming!!! My eyes are burning because I was actually looking in the wrong place at the wrong time when the explosions (and I mean explosions) go off. I haven’t heard or smelled gun powder like that since I went to a Gettysburg reenactment as a child. But at least my heart rate elevated and I possibly lost a little weight.

Now the baby isn’t Tiernan’s its evil ex-husbands who plots to have Grace turned over to the English so he can get his son. However, after the ambush Grace goes to jail, Tiernan kills the ex-husband at which the audience yells HUZZAH!! Really they did audible cheers. Tiernan raising the baby for 7 years at which time he goes to the Queen and begs her to take him in place of Grace so she can be with her son. My question is it took him 7years??? I think he rather just sit in jail than deal with a toddler. Grace gets out, goes home see her son and then leaves him immediately to go back to England to tell the Queen that her people are being mistreated and starving. The cast is now dressed in old Les Miz costumes and walking around in groups…hmmmm all they need is a turn table, but we’ll just come up out of this handy hole we have instead.

The 2 female leaders sing the only decent song in the show, then go behind a back lit map, make a bargain for peace, and tie up all lose ends into our happy ending. Seems like we could apply this to Iraq don’t it boys?? However, on a historic note isn’t Ireland still under British rule?? Impoverish and bitter?? Kicking up a car bomb every now and then…so much for everlasting peace. We end the show with a Riverdance and sail merrily home with lover and son into our curtain call.

Frankly I think the show would have been better if Grace and the Queen had made out. But that’s just me I guess not every storyline can be like Xena: The Warrior Princess. Christ, have they made that into a musical yet???

Tuesday, June 12, 2007

Is Paris Sleeping???

Cuz I wish I was.....

Well, here I am a victim of my sleeping disorder, something that I think needs documentation in case I go to prison and need to be released to my pool and opulent brownstone here in NYC.

Sleep, something that is so precious, is also so elusive to me. I was born at night and have always loved staying up late, but since I sold my soul to the 9 to 5 devil it is a problem. When I used to stage manage it wasn't a problem because once rehearsal was over and the show was running I could sleep all day, then call the show at night after which the cast would bay at the moon until sun up. Rinse Repeat. LOL.

Now, that I work for my beloved Jews things are different however my natural nocturnal need rears it's ugly head and I have nights like these where I sit up and watch random crap TV until I nod off....at some point...hopefully. Blah.

I am still reeling from Sunday night with the Tonys and the Sopranos Finale. Frankly I am still processing all of it and will post my feelings shortly. Not that any of you are standing at the ready for my opinion on either, but who can say. There might be a night owl out there worse off than me...just waiting for me to complete a thought. If I can allude to my true feelings it lies in my favorite quote from Tony Night, "I am over the hill and in a roll of a life time." Something I think might ring true for Miss Paris at some point.

Monday, June 11, 2007

While Paris is Burning...

I decided that this weekend should be full of adventure and theatre. After exploding with rage at the events that perpetually surround Paris Hilton, I treated myself to the things I love best. i.e. live theatre, meeting with friends and enjoying frosty beverages. Friday night I was planning on spending the evening waiting for my Fresh Direct delivery and playing with my dog. However, I got a call from the wild (aka my friend Ned) to join him at the Blockheads at the World Wide Plaza for $3 margaritas and to help him learn lines for his upcoming show. Being a sucker for tequila and a man who can work a fedora, off I went after said delivery.

The evening was perfect down to the pinwheel laden libations. I ran lines with Ned and we laughed at all the people who weren’t as fabulous as us. I nearly snatched a pigeon from the sky as he dove in to steal a nacho, clearly he did not realize how much I love nachos and almost paid the price for his hubris.

After our South of the Border Adventure, Ned got me into to the preview of his show, Elvis People. That’s right it’s called Elvis People, it’s about the people who love Elvis & who were around him i.e the Memphis Mafia, but does not actually star an Elvis, per say. There is an Elvis impersonator, but that’s more about his story of becoming an Elvis impersonator. Frankly, it was fun, and in its development stage so things are still changing, but overall it did make me laugh and showed me that people can be and are still fascinated by the King.

Saturday I met with my friend Anne and we saw a matinee of Beyond Glory. A one man show starring, acclaimed Broadway and film actor Stephen Lang who brings to the stage the riveting stories of eight American heroes. Recipients of the Medal of Honor, each of these men went 'above and beyond the call of duty' to a place where bravery and humility meet. In a stunning tour de force performance, Lang leads us on a journey through WWII, Korea and Vietnam, taking us to a realm beyond glory to ponder the meaning of true courage. NOW this is theatre. For 80 solid minutes this won man wove together these amazing true stories of men that fought for our freedom and for the lives of their comrades and I was completely mesmerized by how someone could just create so much with so little. Working with just a footlocker and a few different pieces of wardrobe he took me from Pearl Harbor to below the 38th parallel. Of course being the Navy Brat of a veteran of Korea and Viet Nam I am a little bias. However, it was the first time since my Dad died four years ago that I felt really close to him, and for that I am truly grateful.

TONY/Soprano Sunday!!! I pulled together a little party with friends to view the TONY’S and the Soprano’s Series Finale. I made my Mom’s lasagna, toasted garlic bread, had a nice tossed salad and finished off the night with blood orange & vanilla gelato. I think the Blood Orange was particularly tongue and cheek considering the Soprano’s unquenchable whack lust.

I am going to save my review of each show for upcoming blogs, but this longtime viewer & theatre whore was not disappointed at all with the farewell to North Jersey’s crown prince. As for the Tony’s, ugh….all I have to say is thank god for Julie White, Bill T. Jones and Mary Louise Wilson for keeping it real. Upsets and unbelievably bad musical numbers out weighed their joy and candor. But I’ll save that witty banter for a future blog…

Friday, June 8, 2007

VICTORY FOR NOW!!!

THE PEOPLE HAVE SPOKEN!!!
according to a recent MSNBC poll....
Did the judge make the right call by sending Paris Hilton back to jail? * 10113 responses
Yes, she should do her time like everyone else.93%
No, the judge is being unnecessarily hard on the heiress.6%
Yes, but she should be able to serve her time in a nicer facility.0.8%

A weeping Paris is on her way back to jail....I wish my blog had a hand in it, but I think the world has had enough of young, over privledged trust fund babies getting away with everything from drunk driving to self indulgent drug use!!

Do your time Paris, take some pride in owning up to your mistakes and spend some of that alone time thinking about the person you want to become after this incarceration. You might actual be worth something more in the end than just another E! True Hollywood Story Punchline!

3....2....1....initial Blog Launch Sequence GO!!!

After much encouragement I have decided to stay silent no longer on the world wide web; to have a voice is a gift and I intend to spit forth anything and everything that might rum rampant in my young fertile mind.

First and for most: PUT PARIS BACK IN JAIL!!!!


If they let her out of the stir because she wouldn't eat I will fly to LA and slap the LA County Sheriff and do my time proudly. She didn't eat in the first place and if she was hungry enough she would eat whatever kibble they dished out. That is if she had stayed in prison long enough to really get hungry, but I am sure that is a feeling Mr. Hilton has never been victim to.

Cross fade to tiny Brandy on a class field trip to see the movie Gandhi. Seems I recall his courageous, self sacrificing, altuistic brown behind staying in prison and he didn't eat for months!!! However, he also changed the world not only for himself but for his people.

After hearing the news yesterday that Paris was serving her time poolside at home I could not contain myself and marched into my bosses office (I have a job so I can eat, pay rent and buy dog food, unlike said heiress) to EXPLODE my rage at our legal system, which has seemed to crumble into the haves and have nots!! I can not take it!! I started screaming ATTICA ATTICA ATTICA as if to call forth a ghost from the '70s who would set things right after so much has gone wrong.


If Paris doesn't find her sorry flat behind, behind bars by night fall I vote that the townies of LA storm the bastille and free everyone!!! That's right, everyone!!! Then like Marie Antoinette (and no I don't mean that crappy movie which stole 2 hours of my life that I can never get back) Paris might find her head in precarious proximity to Madame Guillotine.