Time to shake the jelly...

It's time to dust off my act and take some much needed steps back into the light of stand-up. One or two shows a month is NOT enough to get me where I want to be. Thinking I'm going to be "discovered" is not going to happen while managing my DVR cue list. You actually have to go out and shake ur jelly so that people know it's there and camera ready.

Frankly, I can't stand watching one more reality show with overexposed, talent free nincompoops thinking they are the next "it" girl. Or another trailer for a film about the 30 something man child finding himself through a Bromance and fart jokes.

These scripts and shows get green lights and I'm worried that I'm NOT funny enough to make it. Please. What's the worst that can happen? They can say no thank you Ms. Rowell you're not exactly what we're looking for....well someone is looking for me and won't find me unless I put the remote down and step back onto the stage.

Let's see if "one" joke Brandy can get herself mic'd and on the right path before it's time to call it a day.

Fasting

tiny little bites
living on bread and water
Nuns, Saints, Monks and me

Hot Coffee!

6 ounces of hot
cup tumbling through the air
all over my pants

Busted Brazieres

Recently I have noticed that I can not seem to keep a bra in wearable condition for more than 2years. It’s truly a puzzlement; I remember my mother’s bra drawer and her foundation garments lasted a lifetime. I would laugh at how funny they looked, her generation enjoyed that fantastic torpedo look, but their elastic, straps, hook & eyes all still in tip top shape for decades. The cups didn’t wrinkle and the under wires stayed in place. As I look at my rag tag collection, some bought as recently as October 2008, they are all on their last legs. Under wires missing, some have eyes, some have hooks, some have neither, the elastic is peeking out from the sides trying to escape. I don’t understand it. It’s not like my girls, Gwendolyn & Cecily, are out having extra curricular activities without me. In fact since my surgery I haven’t been in a gym so that wear and tear doesn’t even factor in, I mean really what is happening???

Product quality today is all in the turnover. The repeat business, everything expires now with only a two year life span. Cell phones get that weird phone cancer right around 2 years, which ironically coincides with them offering you a new phone with your contract renewal. You can only secure a two year lease on your apt, so they can jack up the rent consistently. Car leases, shoes, even towels & sheets seem to fray and rip more quickly and easily. Nothing lasts anymore. You’d figure since we are strangling the earth with all our broken crap someone would figure out that maybe part of the solution to keep our landfills from bursting to capacity is if things where made better and lasted longer there’s be less pollution, less global warming and better bras for all.

NYC Circa 1971

Before I lost myself in the Golden Girls Marathon this weekend, I watched a bunch of old movies that have been on my list to see for awhile. Gaslight, Rear Window (actually a favorite I’ve watched over and over, wasn't Grace Kelly just the most beautiful woman, and according to Edith Head the beauty matched the inside too, I'm completely smitten) and The French Connection.

I know The French Connection, but have never watched it, the chase scene is AMAZING even after 38years, Gene Hackman & Roy Schneider are the perfect cop partner foils. Popeye Doyle still remains one of the all-time racist with a heart of gold parts in history. I was really shocked at how racist the whole movie was, in my opinion you could NOT remake it today with it’s original dialogue without huge backlash. However, it won 5 Oscars including Best Picture and was nominated for 7.

But that’s not what impressed me the most. What I loved about the movie was watching New York City. It was amazing not to see one Duane Reade, Starbucks, or chain restaurant ANYWHERE!!! It was all Mom & Pop places with classic buildings and hotels in the background. It was dirty and weird to see Coney Island style vending stands on the platforms in Grand Central nothing like the 3 star Food Court of today.

Moreover, the Broadway show posters were my favorite Doyle would run by chasing the heroin dealer and all I could think about was, “oh my god that’s an original HAIR poster!” Don’t say it, I know I’m a fag and proud of it!!

The gentrification of New York has made it into the mini mall it is today. The character is gone and has been replaced with capitalistic decoupage. I actually miss the hookers, the dirt and grime I could live without, however it’s wildness is what made it beautiful. Fearing for your life was one of the reasons you came to New York in the first place, you felt alive because your senses were heightened. Everything tasted good because it could be your last meal before you got mugged.

Crass, brassy politicians drove the city into the ground and the people brought it back from the brink of bankruptcy. Those were the good old days.
Disney can suck it.