Snacks.....

Today I realized where my phrase, "I like that snack," comes from. The phrase also works in the reverse as in, "I don't like that snack at all". I wish this was a happier blog but there in lies the truth of reality in the tiny unexpected joy of a vending machine in the hospital where my mother died. I spent a lot of time wandering the halls, feeling helpless, looking for comfort.

Ending up in the empty cafeteria, gated shut with only a duo of vending machines available for nourishment I realized that a "snack" can and is anything. In the stillness of the waiting, and wandering I found comfort in B14 or C11 even D13 would do in a pinch. There weren't enough calories in the world to save her, or me. Medication comes in all forms and depends on the patient. IV, pills or in the pre-bagged snack so solace can be found. One rule we who have lost the people we love understand is that when the pain moves beyond your understanding you will reach for anything or anyone, looking for relief.

It's been 15 years and I am a different person. Surviving this circle of Dante's hell isn't written anywhere. Which makes me think he left it out on purpose. We are who we are through example and rearing. I am very proud to be the daughter of Mariea & Doyle Rowell, even with all my imperfections and short comings at my core I know that I am a good person. If I had a wish it would be for more time, more love, more fights, more laughter, more truth, but all I really have is more pain.

I have tried, but I can't let them go. I don't want to. My memory fades, I can't remember their voices or some of the stories that made us a family. Frankly I'm scared, scared that what makes me me might not be around much longer. Yelling at giant Jesus doesn't help, but it can't hurt. He's been in the family longer and has probably heard it all so my bitching and moaning probably doesn't put him off so much.

What I need is meaning. Something we all search for, if I find it things might turn around. If not, well then we'll just have to wait and see. D13 aka Cheetos will just have to see us through another day.