After last night's impromptu ceiling flood, now known as the old woman and the sea, I started to reflect on why my life has over the last several years resembled that of the Old Testaments sage and all around sad sack Job. Two years ago I incurred the wrath of the baby leg which led to me leaving the gym, having surgery, and thusly regaining all the weight I had previously lost. Not to mention now injuring the “good” leg with the same symptoms associated with Plantar Fasciitis and Achilles Tendonitis. It’s been a litany of one thing or another in this ongoing crap fest known as the life of Brandy Rowell. Ailments, accidents, financial miscalculations, dumb mistakes, falls, missing whatever boat to paradise island by just fractions has resulted in my moody, negative demeanor that is uncharacteristic of my former warrior self who was on the path to the best me ever.
So why is the question? Why me lord? Why is this shit storm of unending pain and disappointment a vortex I can not extricate myself from? Haven’t I already been through enough loss? How much shit do I have to deal with before I catch a break? Then I realized the answer, I am not doing what I am supposed to be doing with my life and god aka the universe is punishing me. When everything seemed to be moving in the right direction I was working out, doing shows, going to play writing workshops, see shows etc, etc, etc….Since my injury I have done little or nothing about my true calling, slumping through life, working a dead end job that really while paying the bills (barely) is slowly killing my soul. Don’t get me wrong I love the people I work with but my college educated, extremely witty self is becoming rage in a cage.
I NEEDED to do comedy so badly a few weeks ago that at a meeting with senior staff I started popping off one liners out loud! Thank god the VP thinks I’m hilarious and we have great camaraderie but if it had been anyone else my sassy ass could have wound up in HR with my walking papers. While commiserating & bitching to a dear friend she asked me, "are you an assistant?" Forgetfully I said, "yes". She said, "no you're a comedian remember?"
Most of my obstacles I have built myself, excuses that keep myself down and out of the game. Well I am at the end of my rope. Standing there last night covered in murky brown water trying not to electrocute myself I realized that being an adult is hard but being afraid of your potential is a crime. The job needs to work its way into the career I wanted to pursue when I moved to the city. Not some means to an end student loan paying 9 to 5. Let’s be happy again. Let’s believe again (thank you Wall-E), let’s put on our Sunday clothes cuz we’re feeling down, but not out!! Let’s mean it this time.
2 comments:
It's very easy to say "I should..." or "I must..." the hard part is following through.
What helps me, is remembering how I felt during the times my soul wasn't numbed.
But them again it also helped me to quit my job in a huff and focus 110% on what I needed to focus on...I don't recommended that for everyone, it's not easy, but I would have it any other way!
And know this, you have tons and tons of support behind you, and you can make it work.
I love you hot stuff!!
xoxox
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