BLOG BY REQUEST - #1

Requested by Jillian Horwitz
Relationship: Work Colleague
Topic: Being Dumped...

The act of being dumped can vary. Usually our first forays into rejection come when retrieving our shy missives from grubby middle school hands, "check this box" if you like me is how we test the waters of relationships. The anticipation of unfolding the well crafted notebook emissary builds only to find NO clearly marked in pencil. This sends a pang through our tiny selves. We might well up and cry a bit before dismissing it; our hearts are more resilient in youth and can take such slights in stride with little more than a whimper and an ice cream treat.

However as we mature and grow into our dating we deepen attachments. Reveal more of who we are or might be to those we draw near. Warily peeking the door open and pushing the fear aside to bring another soul in for a closer look. That’s when the “dumping” becomes savage in nature. Not just a thoughtlessly checked box because you might have cooties, but a clear rebuff after the knowing, after the reveal of your most treasured secrets, to be dumped feels like the end.

Which it is, the end of intimacy with the person you trusted with your holy of holies. The “one” you thought saw you. Being seen is very tricky because you don’t want to be seen too soon. We guard ourselves just for this reason; too much too soon can bring about a dismissal prematurely. A wise dater takes baby steps and waits to see how much the intended “wants” to know and conversely this works for us as well, because early on they too might have cooties. Getting to know someone in small increments is the best way to avoid the crush of the dump, which is easier than it sounds because the rush of our hormones and the need to be understood can work against us.

We all come into this world alone and then spend the next 60 to 80 years trying to find the right person to spend time with until we exit stage left. We all want to be loved, to be seen, to show someone else how broken or faulted we might be and know that they love us no matter what. We fall in love. When we get dumped the fall ends abruptly knocking the wind out of us.

I remember being a child maybe 6 or 7 and I fell out of a tree. Wham! I stood up unscathed, but I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t scream there was nothing. I walked up the hill to our house arms out stretched, tears streaming down my face looking for my mother to make it all better. That is the feeling of being dumped. Walking around the living, with a silent scream in your chest, feeling like dying would be better if only the pain would stop. Not knowing when your breath will come back or when your heart will start beating again. It’s a death with a shelf life of an undetermined length.

Getting over a dumping is different for everyone. Some wall themselves back up quickly with great bravado and anger. Other’s weep and creep through time waiting for the other shoe to drop. Then still others might bounce back like Tigger at a picnic, those people scare me. My theory is that they are either dead inside already or are secret mourners who on the outside wear a mask so flawlessly unbroken as to never bring attention to their internal pain yet on the inside are as hollow as “normal” people. But be cautious with these humans or you might find your bits in a hefty bag at the bottom of the sea.

Life is pain, its how you know you are alive. If everything came up roses we’d complain about that too. The game of love has winners and losers and it would be nice to think that if you loved someone they would love you back, it seems like the courteous thing to do. Only like us they have free will and even though it hurts right now, there will be a time Jillian, when your breath comes back.