truth...

I started blogging as a way to vent. I tend to keep things closed off from my friends, and the people I work with, my family or what's left of it. I am a fail and fragile creature not that anyone would know.

I keep up a tough front, as the only "son" born to my father. I have tried to be the perfect child. Only to fall short of their dreams. They loved me I know that, but I wonder, am I who I should be? Who can say, how we tip our hand to the passerby next to us or the "friend" that seems engaged in what is going on in our day today lives.

I like to think that people think well of me. That I am someone that people might treasure in the Pantheon of their lives. Grand thinking for a fat kid. I get glimpses of what I think I mean to people. These quick flutter-bys of information, a kind word, or gesture that might mean more than thanks for the copies....who can say. The human creature tends to tuck away their true feelings for fear of exposure. Or maybe that's just me.

On the up and up, I love too much and say too little about how the people in my life that effect me. I've been through enough therapy to know my patterns, to know my skill set, to know what it is that I want, yet am still paralyzed to obtain it.

Someday I hope as we all do, to be the person we are meant to be, to give all that we can to make society a better place. Wow, maybe I am that bleeding heart liberal my right wing father always warned me about.

Either way, I stand in the wake of loss that would cripple most people. Yet, I still reach for that which seems unreachable. I stand on the shoulders of my ancestors and I wait for the moment that I can be the notion that passes through my mind 13 times a day.

Be brave, be smart, be open to love and it WILL find you...if only it was that easy.
Maybe it's too late, maybe I'm a fool, but I look forward and hope that the love of my parents will watch over me, because in the end that is all that I have.