After leaving work yesterday feeling like crap and thinking all I can successfully do is let people down and fail. I went home and held my Kayla, cried, cried and cried some more. At first I chalked up my over reaction to screwing up an excel spread sheet at work to the fact my "lady time" is due any minute. That it's just the moans giving me the mental menstrual business.
Waking up from a brief cry coma I got up, put on my overalls and walked Kayla who seemed more stressed than me, she's doesn't like it when I get upset, hell neither do I. The fresh air felt good on my tear strained face and I started to push away the idea that putting my head in the oven wouldn't be such a bad idea. Clearly I've read too much Anne Sexton.
I ducked into a corner store to buy a lotto ticket with the lone dollar I knew I had in my wallet. My dollar and a dream fantasy was that I would go into work on Monday and quietly say shabbat shalom and become a financially independent artist living on the Mega Dream Dole. Hahahaha!! As we left I glanced down at the quick pick numbers only to see the date blazing across the pink background.
February 19, 2010.
Today is their anniversary. I had completely forgotten, or had I? Did my body know it needed to cry without my minds conscious acknowledgment. Did my subconscious simply say, "I've got this one", this year. Only the grief came up anyway. Whatever psycho babble you wanna prescribe to it, my life will always feel half full without their love and support. What's that song lyric, "Not a day goes by, not a single day...." Adding on top of that yet another birthday passing and still so much undone and unsaid. I'm surprised I don't cry uncontrollably everyday.
I wear their wedding rings, sometimes together on my left hand, sometimes one on each as if they are my magic guardians protecting me, watching over me...I know they are I just wish it was from the other room and not the other side.
Happy Anniversary Mom & Dad!!
ps-the traditional gift for your 44th Anniversary is Groceries, I laughed out loud when I looked it up especially because your 43rd is Travel and 45th is Sapphires. Guess I'm off to D'AGS.
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